It was my mum who first suggested I come to Martineau Gardens (how come mums know everything!) Lockdown had a massive impact on me, and I was scarily low again. I was lost and there was no colour in my life, I was literally seeing the world in greyscale, and I was fearful for my future.

My first impression of the gardens was one of complete safety. It was okay to be me, as nobody was judging anyone else. Acceptance of who I was and how I was feeling meant that it was safe to talk and to share my grief even on the first visit. I felt protected and emotionally held. It was good to be gardening and doing something constructive. My Nan and I used to garden together when I was growing up, and I found myself talking to her as I worked alongside the other women in the Friday group. After my second session I called my mum in floods of tears to tell her:

“I can see the colours in the flowers”

The colours stayed with me all week; it was as if a switch had been flipped back on.

There were still difficult times; wobbly mornings when I came in to volunteer and couldn’t do anything apart from just be. But that was OK, there was no fuss, people listened, and I was OK. The social aspect of our time together is really important. The conversations we have at Martineau Gardens felt new to me – there’s an honesty and acceptance of fragility that is so healing. As time went on, my social anxiety decreased, and my confidence started to come back. I was feeling a new sense of achievement, interacting with others, learning new skills, and developing a hobby that I could take home with me. I talked with the group about my next steps and started thinking about applying for work. I felt ready. What I wasn’t ready for was the staff and volunteers’ reaction when I got a job. They made such a fuss of me – it was genuinely joyful! I was offered a full-time post at a local school for children with special needs but negotiated not to work on Fridays – being able to touch-base with the gardens, staff and volunteers every week has become a vital part of my ongoing recovery.

The constant yet gentle change in the gardens has supported my emotional resilience. Watching plants die-back and regrow, has helped with the grieving process and I’ve found that while I’m gardening, my subconscious is busy putting those emotional jigsaw pieces back together. I can feel myself getting better, and as there is no need to rush the process, it feels sustainable. My family can see a difference in me which makes them happier too.

I am so proud to be a volunteer at Martineau Gardens and look forward to coming every week. It is very special, and although we are lucky to have lots of green space in Birmingham, there is nothing else like Martineau. It is my lifeline.